Looking over my profile page today got me thinking about favorite books & movies. I really can't come up with definitive list for either of these. There are hundreds I've read or watched & hundreds, no thousands more I want to read & watch. Next month or next year I'll find some next interest or fascination; something I may not have even heard of today. Any lists I try to compile will always be incomplete, tomorrow I will most likely remember a book I've loved but momentarily forgotten; all Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories along with the Thames Holmes movies starring the late Jeremy Brett and I will always love a couple of children's books from my youth. Every page, every flicker of the screen hold such potential if not actuality. Almost moment by moment one's perspective can be altered.
For the past year of so I've been in the midst of a "reading frenzy" What philosophy I can make sense of, the Bible (Roman Catholic & St. James), ancient Greek writings & Greek mythology and most rabidly of all books on Homosexual history & persecution.( I should probably compile a listing to post at some future date.)
I never was what we used to call a "cause queen", my low profile and my ambivalence toward the aggressive tactics of Queer Nation & Act Up (a long time ago!) limited my options for activism. Over the past year and a half I've had, as I mentioned in an earlier post, a reawakening of sorts. Along with that awakening I've developed an insatiable thirst for knowledge of the long road we've traveled. I inhale these books, they are like a drug!
This varied reading has forced me to abandon some old ideas, affirmed some others and presented some very different viewpoints & ways of thinking to me. As I read my list of wanted books gets ever longer & longer. I have great regret & not a little shame that I didn't arouse myself sooner, oh when I think back over my fears, my trepidation; I've been a fool, truly. I had glimpses here and there yet I never reached out for more. I remember being awed by the film Koyaanisqatsi when my first "lover" showed it to me in my teens; there was a whole "crazy life" & world out there. I touched it here & there but never grabbed it.
Now I do grab life, an intellectual one, an intellectual dare-devil I. I feel a rush that must be similar in some way to the rush felt by these worldly adventurers, the mountain climbers, the parachutists, the tri-athletes; those who risk life & limb. My risks are very different & usually not life-threatening yet they nonetheless are risky in there way. These books & movies are my mental mountain ranges as well as the little humps of dirt we used to jump our bicycles over for fun.
How can one catalogue & quantify such variety? How can one nail down, with certainty, the right bibliographic roads & maps? I read one book & absorb the outlook of the author only to find new interpretations, new facts even in the next two books on the same subject. Knowledge is a shape-shifting hydra. The only understanding, the only answer is more always more 'til that last breath escapes!
A.S. Merrimac
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sheryl Swoopes News
Earlier today I took a look at my copy of last week's Bay Windows, a weekly for the New England GLBT community and came across an opinion piece by Rev. Irene Monroe regarding the recent news of Sheryl Swoopes' engagement to a man. Now first off I've got to admit I had no idea who Sheryl Swoopes is, so I nearly passed the article right by. The word "bi-phobia" in the header caught my attention. Reading the article I couldn't help but be struck by the story's connection to some aspects of my musings on Outness last week.
Why is it that bisexuality, which would, I think, be the norm if subject to suppressed by Occidental societal pressures, considered a lack of commitment by both ends of the spectrum? Is it because it puts the lie to the imperatives of either side? Homophobic groups use it as proof of their claims of homosexuality being a choice and can use willing bisexuals as "proof" of their cures. And sad to say some gays view pronouncements of bisexuality as a dodge for those who refuse to admit their homosexuality. I can't help but feel pity for the spot Ms. Swoopes is in as a public figure. Aside from the ridiculous pressures from such public exposure their is the added harangues of factions trying to use her for their own purposes. Everything she says and does is susceptible to manipulation and misuse for someone else's cause. I understand that she has maintained all along that she views sexuality as a choice. That is counter to what many GLBT organizations hold, they know such an opinion will be used as a weapon by conservative religious groups; it often is. If one thinks it through with clear and open mind, it's obvious; to a "near middle" bisexual, sexual attraction does come down to choice.
Even"five and a half me" has some sexual interest in women. Although I truly can't ever imagine myself in a long term sexually exclusive relationship with a woman.
This complete misunderstanding of the dynamics of sexuality, introductory arousal and psychic attraction stands in the way of any rational discourse. There are not two or three or four sexual orientations; each and ever one of us has our own set of sex-variables (for lack of a better term) with an inborn base or essence supplemented with circumstantial modifiers or fetishes e.g. I know I was born with a pronounced attraction to males, from experience beards appeal to me, also red sweatpants are an arousal trigger engendered by a couple of entertaining incidents involving red sweatpants.
I have always marveled at the bizarre proposition that one would choose homosexuality, let me explain that one: go back in time fifty, a hundred, four hundred years when "sodomites" were tortured and executed; who the hell would choose that path? I don't believe the piece of ass exists which would make me want to risk that! I think the very fact that, after centuries of such malevolence and violence, the continued presence of individuals who love the same sex proves beyond doubt that homosexuality is not simply an aberrant lust. I'm certainly not brave enough to risk censure and violence for a simple physical pleasure. I contemplated my urges and emotions many, many times when I was younger; there is absolutely no way I could then or can now alter the principle focus of my desires: physical or emotional.
The piece by Rev. Monroe excerpted a quote contained in a piece by Cyd Zeigler on Outsports.com :
Why is it that bisexuality, which would, I think, be the norm if subject to suppressed by Occidental societal pressures, considered a lack of commitment by both ends of the spectrum? Is it because it puts the lie to the imperatives of either side? Homophobic groups use it as proof of their claims of homosexuality being a choice and can use willing bisexuals as "proof" of their cures. And sad to say some gays view pronouncements of bisexuality as a dodge for those who refuse to admit their homosexuality. I can't help but feel pity for the spot Ms. Swoopes is in as a public figure. Aside from the ridiculous pressures from such public exposure their is the added harangues of factions trying to use her for their own purposes. Everything she says and does is susceptible to manipulation and misuse for someone else's cause. I understand that she has maintained all along that she views sexuality as a choice. That is counter to what many GLBT organizations hold, they know such an opinion will be used as a weapon by conservative religious groups; it often is. If one thinks it through with clear and open mind, it's obvious; to a "near middle" bisexual, sexual attraction does come down to choice.
Even"five and a half me" has some sexual interest in women. Although I truly can't ever imagine myself in a long term sexually exclusive relationship with a woman.
This complete misunderstanding of the dynamics of sexuality, introductory arousal and psychic attraction stands in the way of any rational discourse. There are not two or three or four sexual orientations; each and ever one of us has our own set of sex-variables (for lack of a better term) with an inborn base or essence supplemented with circumstantial modifiers or fetishes e.g. I know I was born with a pronounced attraction to males, from experience beards appeal to me, also red sweatpants are an arousal trigger engendered by a couple of entertaining incidents involving red sweatpants.
I have always marveled at the bizarre proposition that one would choose homosexuality, let me explain that one: go back in time fifty, a hundred, four hundred years when "sodomites" were tortured and executed; who the hell would choose that path? I don't believe the piece of ass exists which would make me want to risk that! I think the very fact that, after centuries of such malevolence and violence, the continued presence of individuals who love the same sex proves beyond doubt that homosexuality is not simply an aberrant lust. I'm certainly not brave enough to risk censure and violence for a simple physical pleasure. I contemplated my urges and emotions many, many times when I was younger; there is absolutely no way I could then or can now alter the principle focus of my desires: physical or emotional.
The piece by Rev. Monroe excerpted a quote contained in a piece by Cyd Zeigler on Outsports.com :
"It is amazing to me that after all the HOOPLA surrounding Sheryl Swoopes “coming out” …. her recent marriage to a MAN get’s virtually no attention. Is she now UN-GAY?… Why is the fact that this woman went through a period of “trial” in her life NOT getting any press? It is obvious that the woman just like every other gay or lesbian man or woman in the world had at that time made a CHOICE to entertain the idea of being with someone of the same gender. Sheryl is just more proof that no one is born gay, it is a learned behavior brought on by experiences and circumstances in ones life. I am very happy for Sheryl – but the “gay agenda” driven PRESS can bite it. It is MORE than obvious the press is nothing but a bunch of HYPOCRITES more than willing to make a HUGE story out of someone supposedly being gay but having absolutely NOTHING to say when that same individual realizes it was NOTHING more than just a phase in their lives."
It is incomprehensible to me, the level of vehemence expressed by "extremist heterosexuals" What is at the root of it, hatred or fear?
In general, our society seems to accept a bisexual female a lot easier than a bisexual male. I think had this been a bisexual male the uproar would have been insane. Why is it easier for a woman to be bisexual regarding societal acceptance? ...That's a subject for another day.
A very large part of who we fall in love with is circumstance plain and simple. We can't fall in love with someone we haven't met. Circumstance put a man, then a woman, the another man in Ms. Swoopes' path. For a middle of the scale bisexual, the sex of the person whom they fall in love with can't really matter, can it? The only choice they really can be said to make is whether or not to pursue a relationship with the person they connect with. They are, I think, the most fortunate of us all.
Rev. Monroe ends her article with two excellent points we must all try to keep in mind:
A.S.Merrimac
"Who Swoops is partnered with...is really none of our business." and "If you are in the straight camp cheering Swoopes for 'crossing back over' or in the queer camp castigating her for 'flip-flopping' you share a bi-phobic reaction to Swoopes' choice........"
A.S.Merrimac
Friday, July 29, 2011
Literary Presumptions
I've decided to dig up an erotic story I began years ago just for my own amusement, to see if I can make something of it. I ran across a mention of a writing contest which this story might just fit. I have no idea if my writing efforts of late have any merit, I'm in a bit of a vacuum regarding any level of literary competence right now. For the time being I figure I'll just keep pounding away at the typewriter & scratching out my musings in composition books until I find someone who can tell me if there's a kernel of some worth buried in amongst the effusion.
XXXV
"Then to the lip of this poor earthen Urn
I lean'd, the Secret of my Life to learn:
And lip to Lip it murmur'd - 'While
you live,
Drink! - for, once dead, you never shall
return'"
The Rubaiyt of Omar Khayyam
A.S. Merrimac
A.S. Merrimac
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Outness?
Can a person who doesn't completely believe in the conceit of strict sexual orientation come out? What of a person who long ago stopped "heterosexualizing" his life (as viewed by others)?
At 45 I'm frankly sick of worrying about losing perceived friends yet still worried about it, there's a paradox. What do I do; simply announce to each and everyone as I meet them "...oh, by the way, I'm gay"? I think most of those who already know me have silently figured it out long ago, I dropped many hints over the years. That's no longer enough for me. How does one just start living gay? I can't think of any other way of saying it. Do I owe my friends the announcement?
Fear and secretiveness long ago became habit. I lived two lives, but then they both fell apart to one degree or another. I hid from the world for a long time; now I have faced among others, my biggest fear. After spending nearly a decade celibate and waiting to die I got tested. Relief isn't a big enough word after the years of self-imposed uncertainty. It is a awakening of such tremendous proportion for me.
So now I must recast my life. I have once again opened my mind and heart to new ideas and new modes. Yet I still hold back from the final little step. This is partially complicated by an intuition I am not alone in having and reinforced by much enlightened reading.
I must stress that this isn't some lame form of denial. I have never had a problem with my orientation, just the world's view of it. I now believe the constructs of homosexuality and heterosexuality are merely inventions. Keeping in mind Kinsey's (sexuality) scale while reading, among others Homosexuality and Civilization by Louis Crompton or Homophobia: A History by Byrne Fone has reinforced years of personal experience. I can't tell you how many "straight" guys I've had encounters with over the years. The stereotype of the sleazy men's rooms, rest stops and parks is based on truth, but the real truth is these are the areas bolstered and frequented by these "straights" more often than not. Many of these men don't seem to be in any sort of self-denial as to their desires, they simply believe in presenting a straight persona to the world. Very often these men are married, I can't help but feel they're bit hypocritical. I'm not bashing those men who grew up in fear or ignorance just those knowingly accept and deny, sort of a societal DADT.
Now I figure I'm about a five and a half on Kinsey's scale-does that make me a homosexual? Or does it make me a man with a marked homosexual preference? Don't think of it as a semantic dispute. Think of it as a label dictated by society, an all-exclusive identifier. Why must the sexuality of the homosexual be the attribute used to define the entire person? I am so much more than simply a sexual being. I think this categorizing of sexuality may have been used primarily to legitimize civil persecution in place of religious persecution as church powers declined over the last few centuries. These secular arbiters, it must be remembered were and are for the most part congregants of these very same religions. So a fallacious precept is given secular and medical legitimacy by these people, reinforcing for some a pre-existing irrational hatred. This hatred was and is a self-hate for so many.
In spite of all this enmity there continue to be men and women who accept their innate disposition to one degree or another and in spite of the fading official dogma of church and state. How has it come to pass that a majority of, at least us Occidentals (Westerners), have learned to suppress so thoroughly a living part of their very being? And why?
Someday things will change for the better, but until then intelligent free thinking people must stand against all forms of prejudicial irrationality. So now having reached a transition must I follow a existing standard and label myself a gay man. Or can I identify myself as a man who's gay without sounding like a pedagog? I can't help but think it's important explore, reflect and discuss the validity of our present ideas of sexuality. So does coming out for me become a refutation of my developing belief? What do I become and how do I put it into words?
On top of all that, shedding my entrenched covertness is a difficult and ongoing process. A huge part of me can't help but wish it was already over and done with. I still haven't figured out how best to simply "be a gay man" (or a "man who's gay") in my day to day life. Is it still even necessary to declare your affiliation?
It is an interesting albeit awkward journey for me, I've got a lot of catching up to do! Hopefully one or two people will find this little composition and will be willing to share some of their wisdom with me.
A.S. Merrimac
( Still partially hiding behind a nom de blog.)
At 45 I'm frankly sick of worrying about losing perceived friends yet still worried about it, there's a paradox. What do I do; simply announce to each and everyone as I meet them "...oh, by the way, I'm gay"? I think most of those who already know me have silently figured it out long ago, I dropped many hints over the years. That's no longer enough for me. How does one just start living gay? I can't think of any other way of saying it. Do I owe my friends the announcement?
Fear and secretiveness long ago became habit. I lived two lives, but then they both fell apart to one degree or another. I hid from the world for a long time; now I have faced among others, my biggest fear. After spending nearly a decade celibate and waiting to die I got tested. Relief isn't a big enough word after the years of self-imposed uncertainty. It is a awakening of such tremendous proportion for me.
So now I must recast my life. I have once again opened my mind and heart to new ideas and new modes. Yet I still hold back from the final little step. This is partially complicated by an intuition I am not alone in having and reinforced by much enlightened reading.
I must stress that this isn't some lame form of denial. I have never had a problem with my orientation, just the world's view of it. I now believe the constructs of homosexuality and heterosexuality are merely inventions. Keeping in mind Kinsey's (sexuality) scale while reading, among others Homosexuality and Civilization by Louis Crompton or Homophobia: A History by Byrne Fone has reinforced years of personal experience. I can't tell you how many "straight" guys I've had encounters with over the years. The stereotype of the sleazy men's rooms, rest stops and parks is based on truth, but the real truth is these are the areas bolstered and frequented by these "straights" more often than not. Many of these men don't seem to be in any sort of self-denial as to their desires, they simply believe in presenting a straight persona to the world. Very often these men are married, I can't help but feel they're bit hypocritical. I'm not bashing those men who grew up in fear or ignorance just those knowingly accept and deny, sort of a societal DADT.
Now I figure I'm about a five and a half on Kinsey's scale-does that make me a homosexual? Or does it make me a man with a marked homosexual preference? Don't think of it as a semantic dispute. Think of it as a label dictated by society, an all-exclusive identifier. Why must the sexuality of the homosexual be the attribute used to define the entire person? I am so much more than simply a sexual being. I think this categorizing of sexuality may have been used primarily to legitimize civil persecution in place of religious persecution as church powers declined over the last few centuries. These secular arbiters, it must be remembered were and are for the most part congregants of these very same religions. So a fallacious precept is given secular and medical legitimacy by these people, reinforcing for some a pre-existing irrational hatred. This hatred was and is a self-hate for so many.
In spite of all this enmity there continue to be men and women who accept their innate disposition to one degree or another and in spite of the fading official dogma of church and state. How has it come to pass that a majority of, at least us Occidentals (Westerners), have learned to suppress so thoroughly a living part of their very being? And why?
Someday things will change for the better, but until then intelligent free thinking people must stand against all forms of prejudicial irrationality. So now having reached a transition must I follow a existing standard and label myself a gay man. Or can I identify myself as a man who's gay without sounding like a pedagog? I can't help but think it's important explore, reflect and discuss the validity of our present ideas of sexuality. So does coming out for me become a refutation of my developing belief? What do I become and how do I put it into words?
On top of all that, shedding my entrenched covertness is a difficult and ongoing process. A huge part of me can't help but wish it was already over and done with. I still haven't figured out how best to simply "be a gay man" (or a "man who's gay") in my day to day life. Is it still even necessary to declare your affiliation?
It is an interesting albeit awkward journey for me, I've got a lot of catching up to do! Hopefully one or two people will find this little composition and will be willing to share some of their wisdom with me.
A.S. Merrimac
( Still partially hiding behind a nom de blog.)
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